Well, my friend Kristen seems to have touched on a little topic that relates well with other women readers. She poses several questions in her post today, which nicely set the stage for a blog discussion. I was not sure if I would respond or not, but at her personal invite to do so, I offer the following (please note that my opinion does not represent anyone else or the male gender at large):
Where to start? Well, the whole idea of responsibility with regards to who should do what is intriguing and frustrating. I think perhaps it depends on what type of a person you are interested in. Some people find that the proactive approach suits their personality and they have no inhibitions about approaching the person they are attracted to. Other people would never dream of being the "aggressor" when it comes to relationships, so they will wait for someone to come to them.
With men it goes both ways. Some find a "stand-offish" type of woman incredibly appealing, and they prefer to initiate contact. However, others would love to have a woman come up to them and start the conversation. You have to use caution here, as some men might find being approached by a woman intimidating or a bit frightening. They may make the assumption that the woman is aggressive or a control freak, and it might just scare them away.
And then there is the additon of the group(s) and their dynamics. People in groups act differently then they do alone. If it were a situation where the lone male is sitting at the bar and you caught his eye, his response could be determined based ont he group you are with. If he thinks the group is tolerable and non-threatening he might comeover and initiate conversation. If he is not feeling comfortable with the group, he may not come over. Perhaps he might attempt to catch you away from the table on your own.
However, the addition of the male group totally throws a wrench into any of the above scenarios. Why? Well, simply put, the man has a lot more on the line now. Before it was just him. If he walked over and got blown off, he can disappear from your group and go home and cry into his pillow. Now, if he attempts to initiate and gets disregarded he has to come back to a table filled with cruel friends, who might unrelentingly tease him forever. So he has a lot more pressure on him before he even stands to leave the table. Especially if he makes mention of you at the table and the other guys are aware of what might be unfolding when he makes his move. It's a lot of pressure to overcome in order to take that stand in that moment.
Exception to the above - If the other person appears to blatently go out of their way to see you or be around you then that is a green light to make the attempt. The guy in the group should become incredibly confidant after receiving such signals and should, in fact, want to make that move. Why? Because he doesn't have as much to fear. You have already shown him you are at least interested in him, so he has a better chance at not getting shot down.
It all comes down to the people involved. If you are sending heavy signals, then he shouldn't worry about either of the groups. If you are being a bit sly about the signals he may not know how to interpret them, and will play it safe more often times than not. If you have the urge to initiate and that doesn't bother you, go for it. Just remember that he might take that the wrong way as well. It all depends on the players.
A direct question to the ladies would be that if you send such obvious signals to a guy (regardless of groups or situation) and he does not respond in a positive manner, is he worth it? If he's too scared to get off of his rear and approach you do you really want to spend any amount of time with him at all? If he can't interpret the blatent signals youare sending then perhaps he's a complete idiot or perhaps he is already with someone. If he's so influenced by his buddies to keep to his seat, then why bother with him at all?
The games continue...
And I will post something here in the coming days regarding the decline of chivalry and what women could/should do to change it.
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