Poll Trolls

We've all had various encounters with them. Sometimes they let you slip by unhindered, while other times they pounce on you like a kitten with a newly discovered, catnip-laced ball of yarn. Today is one of the days during the year when these Poll Trolls come out to prey upon the populace.

As if it isn't hard enough to get people to "go out of their way" to cast a vote in an election, we have the added nuisance of these lurkers. Let's not wax poetic about the significance of these Poll Trolls. They exist for a singular purpose - to make voters uncomfortable. They crawl out from under their respective rocks to confront people who have already been bombarded by political signs and enough radio/television commercials to make anyone want to slice their ears off and gauge out their own eyes. Yet, these creatures are merciless and continue to pester the already overstimulated public. Each Poll Troll has a different approach, but their goal is still the same.

Some trolls like to directly confront an individual and attempt to begin a discussion regarding certain political agendas or players. This method is usually not very effective, as many people will either walk around the troll or simply refuse to open a conversation with the troll. Other trolls have realized the fault of this method and have devised other more subtle means. These slightly wiser trolls simply stand around the polling place entrance and hand out flyers filled with their political message. They have discovered that asking a person if they want the information is a waste of time, so they prefer to shove the paper directly into the body of the voter. This method proves successful most of the time, as the voter feels obligated to grasp on to the item and not let it fall to the ground (which would be littering). Poll Trolls aren't worried about littering. In fact, if their flyers are blowing all around the entrance and parking lot, they consider it a success.

Poll trolls are inevitable.
If you are a determined voter, and I hope that you are, please be advised that there will more than likely be several Poll Trolls awaiting you at your polling place. But do not be dismayed, there are effective methods of getting into and out of the polling place without having to accept any of the filth that these trolls throw at you.

The first method is the I-am-on-a-mission-don't-mess-with-me walk. As soon as you get out of your vehicle, begin to approach the entrance with a determined approach. Head straight for the door, and act as if you will plow through anything that might attempt to get in your way. A large part of the success of this method hinges on facial expression and in your posture. Act like you have exactly three minutes to get in, cast your vote and get out or your car will blow up. If a Poll Troll tries to talk to you, feel free to offer any excuse that goes along the "I don't have time for you" line.

Another method which some prefer over the first is the I-am-going-to-try-and-slip-around-you approach. This method demands that you walk as far around the group of lurking Poll Trolls as possible and attempt to make entrance into the polling place without having any direct contact with the slimy beasts. This method is very difficult to successfully implement, as the Poll Trolls have already considered this approach and have devised a plan to intercept every voter, regardless of their approach.

There is rumored to be a third way to get into the polling place without being pestered by the Poll Trolls. Now the details of this method are sketchy at best, and it is not recommended for the faint of heart or those with limited acting skills. Upon exiting your vehicle, you must immediately slouch over quite a bit and begin to drag one of your legs slightly behind you as you walk. While moving in this manner, allow your tongue to slip out through your lips and begin to drool ever so slightly. An excellent addition to this would be to coninually scrath your head with one of your hands, as if you have an entire lice colony roaming free in your hair. As you near the Poll Trolls, you can adopt one of two strategies. You can either begin mumbling audibly to yourself about random things or you can pretend to be incredibly hard of hearing (almost to the point of deaf). The combination of all of these apparent physical disabilities confuses the trolls, causing them to wonder if they should approach you and, if they do, how they should go about it. If a Poll Troll actually approaches you, simply play your part up even more, all the while dragging yourself towards the entrance. As stated previously, this method is not the preferred method and is not for the faint of heart.

Personally, I prefer a combination of the first two methods. I attempt to walk around the Pol Trolls with a hurried pace and determined look. I do not accept any propoganda they might throw at me, and I never engage in a conversation with any troll.

Please go vote today. Don't let the Poll Trolls intimidate you or influence you. Hopefully, you have already decided how you are going to vote on issues and which candidates you are going to vote for. Don't let these filthy creatures tell you who or what to vote for. We can overcome the Poll Trolls with perseverence and planning. Make sure you have a strategy before attempting to make your way through the Poll Trolls and you should be alright. And if you should somehow become trapped by a Poll Troll or become engaged in a conversation with them, immediately drop everything they have given you and make a break for the entrance while screaming at the top of your lungs. Such displays are greatly disturbing to the Poll Trolls and cause them to regroup without giving chase.

Go vote!
Good luck!